I’ll be the first to admit that when I found out I was pregnant, I was more freaked out than anything else. It wasn’t a mistake and to be sure there were many months of tears when peeing on a stick did not give us the result we wanted so when we finally managed to get it right, I was sure I would be over the moon.
I was, in a way. I was happy, sure – excited, even – but the overriding emotion was most definitely fear. And there was so much to be scared of. Growing a human being the most pressing issue and making sure I did that right, and then having to look after said human and make sure they turned out to be at least a semi-decent person. No pressure at all.
When I looked at my husband’s face when I told him the news I also couldn’t help but worry that there was a very real possibility that I would disappoint him in some way. If I didn’t look after our baby while I was pregnant or if I couldn’t be the mom everyone (including myself) was expecting me to be in nine months’ time, it would be crushing. The last thing I wanted to do was let down the man who was my everything.
So that’s the first thing I want moms-to-be to know.
You are not perfect. Nobody is, no matter what their Instagram looks like. You will make mistakes and do stupid things (baby brain is real and sleep deprivation is a form of torture, don’t forget) but you are not the only one involved. Your husband only looks so happy when you tell him you are pregnant because he has no idea what he is in for. He is not thinking about the years of endless days, inconsolable babies and mountains of nappies. No, he is thinking of the miracle of you growing his baby and how amazing you are that you are able to do that. That is all.
The realisation of the gravity of the situation will only come later, and then he will have his own freak out, in his own way. But the day, the moment, you find out you are pregnant you may very well feel alone in your fear, your trepidation, your anxiety. And that’s ok.
Because you’re not alone. If nobody else will admit it, know, at least, that I felt the same way too.